I was talking to my friend that I had a fight with my girlfriend. He didn’t ask why. He simply said that It happens and don’t ever try to make a girl understand your point. His exact word were “ladkiyan itni hi samjhdaar hoti toh jhgda kyon hota.”
Meanwhile I went through many other articles and blog posts. Some were very funny and others were simply implying that a man can never win an argument with a woman, which was eventually true. I have realized that generally women start the argument from nowhere stating the facts based on their feelings.
Women argue only to be heard and feel loved quoting that they are right. If they feel that they may loss over the argument they intelligently shift the topic giving new reasons and pointless statements. On the other hand men argue just to make a point that women don’t listen. Women don’t engage in the argument in which the man wants her to engage in.
What I have to hear from my girlfriend is this:
“I don’t want to be in an argument. I don’t want to be a winner or a loser. I don’t want to compete. I don’t want to argue over my beliefs, feelings, values and my perspectives. Just hear and understand me or be understood. Let’s have a healthy conversation and solve the issues. We can create a solution that will work for both of us.”
After this the conversation starts and gradually it becomes an argument.
What I have to say is:
“What is this belief, ideas or concepts (I give some new information, at least new for her)?”
Finally after evaluating the facts and information, I eliminate all irrelevant things and come to a solution. After the argument, if I feel it enlightening; on the other hand she feels pain and discomfort.
After a series of arguments I understood that a she argues only to be heard and understood; and for this she present her ideas, feeling and many other issues. I question what she is saying whether it is rational or whether it makes sense (I was wrong in many cases). The point will be valid only if it holds up under the argument. Sometime I don’t experience myself arguing.
Simply, she just doesn’t want to be rational. She just wants me to hear beyond her words. She tries to get out of argument but she can’t.
On the opposite hand, I want her to see the other prospective, to be more rational or to change the mind. Eventually she starts repeating her points again and again. She gets frustrated in to tears telling that she is not being heard and understood.
I feel helpless to understand why she is upset. It makes no sense to me at all. Suddenly she starts telling why she feels that way getting angrier and angrier. How can I win the argument where she is refusing to be in the argument what I am trying to have with her? I cannot win an argument that she will not engage in.
I remember an example. She once said that her father had been alone for 2 years doing all the household works by himself. I replied (taking it casually), “only 2 years na. SO what?” And she became upset. I think she just wanted me to be excited over this, but I didn’t. She meant “2 YEARS” a metaphor for “A LOT.”
Now I think that this was very simplistic, but what to do; couldn’t avert another argument. She was telling that I am not listening in to the matter; I was saying that she was exaggerating. I feel blamed even if she says that she doesn’t want to argue about this and then again another argument starts. Ha!!
So, there is only one way to stop an argument—(of course you can’t win it) to listen your woman silently.